


You May Be Wondering What I Am Doing

by CaveFelem



Category: 'Allo 'Allo!, Formula 1 RPF, Rush (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, British Comedy, Crack Crossover, Genderswap, In-Jokes, Multi, Screenplay/Script Format, World War II
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-04 14:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaveFelem/pseuds/CaveFelem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James, an Englishman who got stuck in France when the German occupation began, owns a slightly shabby but comfortable small-town café. With a wife and three waitresses, life could be reasonably good, except for a few complications... some of which are hidden in his cellar, his broom cupboard, and under his father-in-law's bed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Proper Serving Temperature

**Author's Note:**

> This completely insane crossover will probably only make sense if you have watched 'Allo 'Allo. Blame, I mean my gratitude, goes to minutemarch for about half of the casting as well as enabling this.
> 
> Pre-emptive note for those who haven't watched the series: This work includes comedy Nazis.
> 
> Tags will be updated as the work progresses.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a fictional parody and has nothing to do with the real TV series or any of the real people mentioned.

_Scene: A slightly shabby but comfortable café (comfortable being a relative term. It is wartime, after all) in a small town in occupied France. Behind the bar, a tall, blond-haired man, the sleeves of his rumpled white shirt rolled up and most of the buttons open, is inspecting the labels on a row of wine bottles. He is JAMES, the café owner, an Englishman who got stuck in France when the occupation began and has tried to make the best of his life there since. He has a café, a wife, and three waitresses. Life could be reasonably good, except for a few complications..._

JAMES: You may be wondering what I am doing with all these wine bottles spread out here on the bar. The thing is, these are very expensive wines, excellent vintage. It's simply not safe to leave them in the cellar, not with the occupants in there now – and I am not talking about rats. Everyone knows rats don't drink wine. No, I am talking about two British airmen. You see, they are stuck here, the same as I, and the Resistance is unable to resist my charms, so they think I am some sort of a secret war hero who can be saddled with the most ridiculous missions, such as hiding those two idiots...

(The kitchen door opens. Enter YVETTE, a French waitress. She is vivacious, charming, and has almost as many of her shirt buttons open as James. She promptly wraps her arms around James and plants a big kiss on him.)

YVETTE: Oooh, James! I have missed you so!

JAMES: Yvette! You have been in the kitchen only for thirty-five minutes.

YVETTE: [clings] I know! But I was hanging the salami and it reminded me of the one under your kilt.

JAMES: [fondles Yvette] But that was at a fancy dress party. Why else would I have worn a kilt? Besides, I regretted wearing the salami later, too.

YVETTE: Why?

JAMES: Because I passed out and the dog ate it. A waste of good salami. Watch out, Yvette! You almost knocked over the bottles.

YVETTE: I do not care! I am in the throes of passionate desire. Hold me in your arms!

JAMES: Gladly, my dear, but let's just move a little to the left first.

(Footsteps are heard from the stairs. Enter SUZY, James's wife. She is coolly beautiful, tall and made to look even taller by her high heels and the large, rather ridiculous feathered hat she is wearing. She is all dressed up and ready to go out, but stops when she sees what is happening behind the bar.)

SUZY: [scandalised] James! What are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms? 

JAMES: Nothing. Trying not to get anything knocked down. Or up.

(He lets go of Yvette, who straightens her skirt and tries to look innocent. Suzy eyes both of them, frowning.)

SUZY: See that you don't. I am going out for a walk. Perhaps I will also visit Monsieur Burton, the undertaker. He, at least, is always delighted to see me.

(She marches to the door, but stops just before opening it.) 

And James? Do not forget the British airmen have not had their lunch yet.

(She exits. James slaps his forehead.)

JAMES: Of course! Yvette, quick, let's put something together for them before they climb up here and start demanding proper champagne glasses. I suspect they have already been at my best Moët & Chandon.

(Both hurry to the kitchen. Sounds of clanking and clattering can be heard. Meanwhile, the front door opens. Enter HERR LAUDA, the local Gestapo officer. He is wearing a black hat, sunglasses, a long black trenchcoat and a frown. When he sees the café looking deserted, he seats himself at one of the tables and settles down to wait.

Yvette reappears, carrying a tray with a platter heaped with oysters. She goes directly to the cellar door and disappears down the stairs without noticing the presence of Herr Lauda, who watches intently. James reappears right after, balancing a platter of cheese in one hand and a basket of bread in the other.)

LAUDA: [clears his throat]

JAMES: [stops in his tracks, nearly drops the cheese, quickly assumes a neutral expression] Why, good afternoon, Herr Lauda. To what do we owe your very unexpected, very brief visit?

LAUDA: Why did one of your waitresses take oysters to the cellar?

JAMES: Uh, to keep them cool, of course. Proper serving temperature is very important for oysters.

LAUDA: Is it important for bread and cheese also?

JAMES: Yes, yes, naturally.

(Herr Lauda gets up and walks over to James. He pulls his glove off, plucks a cube of cheese from the platter, inspects it methodically, then pops it in his mouth and chews. James watches this and shuffles nervously.)

LAUDA: I am not convinced. This cheese is not good enough quality for the temperature to make much difference. I think you are hiding something.

(He walks a slow circle around James, eyeing him up and down from behind his sunglasses. James swallows, getting visibly nervous.)

LAUDA: I think I will need to ask some questions of everyone in the house. [Towards the door] Private Peterson!

(A pretty blond man in uniform yanks the door open and marches in with vigorous stomping of steel-reinforced boots. He is RONNIE, Herr Lauda's almost voluntary assistant.)

RONNIE: Yes, Herr Lauda!

LAUDA: Watch the door. See that no one goes out.

RONNIE: Yes, Herr Lauda!

(He salutes and marches back out. Through the window, he can be seen standing at attention in front of the door.)

LAUDA: Now I have a few questions for you about the missing two British –

(He is interrupted by loud banging on the ceiling from above. The noise is caused by BERNIE, Suzy's elderly father and James' father-in-law, hitting the floor of the upstairs bedroom with his cane.)

BERNIE: [plaintively from upstairs] Suzy! James! Yvette! Maria! Mimi! Will no one hear the cries of an old man? Will no one come keep me company?

JAMES: Perhaps you would like to start your questioning from my father-in-law. It sounds like he is awake now, but there's no telling when he will fall asleep again.

LAUDA: This is true. It is a good idea, almost worthy of being one of mine. I will start from upstairs.

(He goes. James nearly collapses against the bar with relief.)

JAMES: Quickly, now – I must warn Yvette and the two airmen.

(He tucks a baguette from the bread basket under his arm, then proceeds down to the cellar with the bread and the cheese tray as hastily as he can.)


	2. Oysters in the Cellar

_Scene: A moderately well-stocked cellar (well-stocked being a relative term in wartime, too). Bottle racks and barrels line one wall. On top of two of the barrels sit two fairly large, fairly disgruntled Englishmen, eating oysters off a shared platter. They are Flight Lieutenants HESKETH and HORSLEY, who have so far managed to avoid capture by the Germans and would very much prefer things to stay that way. Not as much as they would prefer to get back home, however._

_YVETTE is also present, frowning in the general direction of the cellar stairs because James has been delayed._

HORSLEY: I say, Hesketh – the oysters are decent, but when do you think the rest of the meal will arrive? Not to mention napkins. I could really use a napkin. French cuisine and hospitality really aren't what I thought they would be.

HESKETH: Listen, old chap, I hear what you say about the catering, but we should be more interested in how to get home. At this rate, the war will be over while we sit in this cellar.

HORSLEY: I prefer the cellar to the henhouse. That was bloody awful. Chicken feathers everywhere.

HESKETH: Feathers? Never mind the feathers. I sat on an egg the whole time.

HORSLEY: [intrigued] Did it hatch?

(Noise from the stairs. Enter JAMES, pale and agitated. He practically drops the cheese and baguette in front of the airmen.)

JAMES: Hush! Quiet, all of you. Herr Lauda of the Gestapo is here. He suspects something is up. I have diverted him upstairs for the time being, but he will certainly want to search here.

HORSLEY: Well, time for the last meal, then.

(He stuffs his mouth with cheese. Hesketh follows suit.)

YVETTE: Oh, James! We are all going to be shot! Hold me in your arms one last time!

(Inexplicably, one of the vacant barrels begins to rock. It rocks all the more frenziedly as James and Yvette kiss passionately, oblivious to the presence of the airmen. Suddenly its lid bursts open, and out climbs MIMI, another French waitress. She is very short, very energetic and very angry.)

MIMI: I knew it! I knew there was hanky-panky going on between you two! James, how could you cheat on me by cheating on Madame Suzy with Yvette? This makes me so furious, I could tear things to pieces with my teeth!

EVERYONE: Hush! Quiet!

YVETTE: [tearfully] I wanted to have one last cuddle! Herr Lauda is searching the house, the British airmen will be discovered, and we will all be shot.

MIMI: I will not go down that easily! I must have one last cuddle too!

JAMES: [tries to fend off both waitresses] Hey, hey, wait. Mimi has given me an idea.

(Mimi clings to his waist, being too short to cling to anything much higher than that.)

MIMI: Does it involve as many electric appliances as the last time?

(Yvette gasps and glares murderously at Mimi.)

JAMES: No, no, this is not that kind of an idea. This one might save our skins. You see, we will hide the airmen in empty barrels and Herr Lauda will be none the wiser.

HESKETH: Steady on! We could barely fit in the henhouse. There is no way to fit us into those little barrels.

(Horsley shakes his head vigorously at the idea, his mouth being full of his last meal cheese.)

JAMES: What about a pile of barrels? Yes! You two sit in the corner and we will push the barrels in front of you, then pile things on top... it is our only chance!

(Everyone scrambles to make this happen. The airmen grab the remaining baguette and the cheese and huddle in the far corner of the cellar. James, Mimi and Yvette push three barrels in front of them, manage to lift the empty one in which Mimi was hiding on top of the others, and then build up a pile of various boxes, sacks and bundles which just about hides the two men from sight.)

HORSLEY: (faintly) Couldn't they have left us a bit more room? My leg's already falling asleep.

HESKETH: (faintly) Oh, quit waffling! I refuse to be shot because of your leg. 

(after a moment, louder) 

Is there any chance we could have the rest of the oysters here?

MIMI: Certainly!

(She takes the platter and tips the entire contents over the barrel and assorted junk barrier. Sounds of protest can be heard at the receiving end.)

JAMES: That wasn't very polite, Mimi. 

(Mimi is about to say something, but is interrupted as the door at the top of the stairs opens and the sound of slow, deliberate footsteps is heard. Enter HERR LAUDA, who gets a scowl on his face when he sees James and the waitresses.)

LAUDA: What is the meaning of this little gathering?

YVETTE: [hastily] Oh, we were taking stock of the wines. It is very important.

LAUDA: It requires all three of you?

MIMI: Yes, it is very laborous. Sometimes it takes hours. Then we have a headache afterwards.

JAMES: She's joking, of course. Er, why don't you hurry upstairs now, both of you? Lots of work to do.

(Yvette and Mimi leave, though reluctantly, both casting longing gazes at James and fearful glances at Herr Lauda behind his back.)

LAUDA: Your father-in-law proved to be very uninformative. He also spat at me. Disgraceful behaviour. Thankfully he had bad aim.

JAMES: There you see, we don't know anything about whatever it was you were looking for. Now let us go upstairs too, much nicer to talk there...

LAUDA: [grasps James by the shoulder to stop him from going past] Not so fast... James. Not when I have finally got you alone.

(James cannot refrain from glancing in the direction of the barrels, but quickly covers it by pretending to rake a hand through his hair.)

JAMES: Uh... yes. Alone.


End file.
